


Holding your hand, i realized how much it was going to hurt to let go

by Eddiekaspbraks



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: F/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-15
Updated: 2017-03-15
Packaged: 2018-10-05 13:20:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10308923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eddiekaspbraks/pseuds/Eddiekaspbraks
Summary: “You remind me of one.”





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is open for interpretation.
> 
> I started this in October and forgot about it.
> 
> big warning for heavy topics.

 

It was always like this, she'd sleep she’d wake up. She’d sleep, she’d wake up.

It wasn't anything new or strange.

It was a nightly routine full of dreams. Some good, most nightmares.

And it had gotten worse over the years, the boys used to be concerned about the dark bags growing under her eyes, but she’d assure them she was getting plenty of sleep and taking care of herself.

She was not.

She had fallen asleep as usual after she had gotten home from the day's work, her feet sluggishly dragging against the carpet of her apartment and aching from standing all day. She figured she should have eaten before bed, but she hadn't been doing lot of that recently either. She was growing thin and usually became fatigued by mid day. She always felt coworkers and strangers on the streets eyes pass her by, staring at her like some sort of creature, like those years ago in the lab.

Dustin used to tease her about snacks every so often and would casually wave a donut in her face. And Will often snuck snacks and food from the cafeteria lunches into her locker back in school.

_But things were different now._

She reached her bed shortly after returning home, dropped her bag and that familiar blue jacket off on the couch and moved to her room, where she slumped on to her bed and sat in silence as her room shifted and danced into one color and the next and then into darkness.

She didn't know what time she fell asleep, watching the colors fade into those muted tones of the night. But now she was staring at red blinking numbers that read 3:15 am.

_“When the numbers read 3 1 5, meet us there.”_

She kicked off the sheets she had sunken under throughout the night and rose up from her warm bed. It was cold, it was slowly turning into winter, the leaves now completely gone from the trees in Hawkins and she could no longer stand the cold air that crept in through the night.

Soon it would be Christmas and that meant seeing everyone, she felt her breath hitch and she shut her eyes for a few moments.

\----------

“Here El, I got you a present. You can open it if you want.”

She had deemed the Christmas of 1985 one of the best times she had ever spent with her friends. They had all agreed to get each other surprise gifts that year and El, who was accustomed to the Wheelers traditions spent that Christmas week, huddled up by their Christmas tree where her and Mike drank hot chocolate and would point at different presents to guess what they were. They all spent Christmas Eve together, huddled in the Wheelers’ basement, talking about toys and comics they wanted. They had decorated the entire basement that month with Mrs. Byers’ left over christmas lights.

Mike held her hand that entire night, and when it was time for the boys to go home, they handed out their gifts.

With a little help from Hopper and Joyce.

El picked Will out a new set of dice for their campaign adventures. Dustin was easy, she picked him out a pack of Hostess Ho-hos and she saved a few packets of smarties from Halloween. As for Lucas, she asked Joyce to make a new bandana to replace his old tattered one. Will, who had already received an issue of X-Men #134 from Dustin, was ecstatic about his new dice set. Dustin ate his snacks that minute, and Lucas didn't take off the bandana for at least a week.

She received her own Supercom, a group effort from the boys and as an extra, a small drawing from Will of her and the Byers family. Mike had handed her a small pink present decorated in a light-colored bow, while she handed him a blue one, although poorly wrapped, that was decorated in small trees. Mike, curious as ever, dug right into the wrapping where he found a card on top ,a simple one with a Christmas tree drawn on the front.

Will had been teaching Eleven all the tips and tricks on drawing and sketching over the past year. She learned which colors meant what, and how to use basic shapes. So when it became Christmas time, she had no problem with something as simple as a Christmas tree, which she was quite proud of. Joyce on the other hand, who had been homeschooling the girl in her free time (with the help of Mr. Clarke) helped her write out what she wanted on the card.

The inside of the card, read “Merry Christmas. Love El.” with two stick figures, both with names above them reading Mike and 011. And with his cheeks a bright red, he moved the card aside to find a special edition of Star Wars: A New Hope. El watched as his face turned all shades of red and his features contort in disbelief. Her face scrunched in confusion.

“Whoa.”

“Don’t you like it?” She asked, her tone full of worry.

It took Mike a second but he quickly nodded his head

“Of course I like it… I love it. This is the best Christmas gift anyone has gotten me, El. Thank you.”

The rest of the boys let out their own wow’s before rushing over to see the casing.

“We are so watching this tomorrow,” Dustin exclaimed while the other three nodded.

She watched as the boys examined her gift in awe and her lips curled into a small smile. She let her eyes move to the perfectly wrapped pink present in her hands and gently unwrapped the bow. If she was being honest with herself, she felt overwhelmed, this was after all her first real Christmas not filled with tubes, lab tasks, or fighting off monsters. And although she had returned last year in the fall, there wasn't much holiday cheer going around just a lot of questions.

She carefully tore at a corner of the wrapping, until it was all gone and a smaller box laid in her hand. She looked up at him in which he replied with a nod and a classic Wheeler smile and she swiped the top lid of the box open.

Inside laid a small figure, it looked to be human holding a staff and wearing a long cloak in a deep purple. Confused she looked up at Mike for an explanation.

“It’s a game piece, for Dungeons and Dragons. Now you don’t just have to sit and watch or take turns with us, you can play with us all you want. Besides, I need help writing campaigns.” His grin grew as he rubbed the back of his neck but was interrupted by his own flushed cheeks and panic as he felt El wrapped her arms around him tightly.

 

When the boys waved their goodbyes that night, Jonathan, who already knew Eleven was staying the night and would not be returning home, gave her a goodnight hug and told her to hurry home in the morning for presents, which made her giggle with excitement.

She returned to the basement to a smiling boy in a striped shirt. Mike and her laid there for what seemed like hours, their hands intertwined, while he whispered about previous Christmas’ and traditions, until they both started to doze off under the twinkling lights and warm blankets.

“Mike?” she had asked out of the silence

“Hm?” He was half asleep, and both of their voices were filled with exhaustion

“Thank you,” she whispered

\----------------

She felt her eyes reopen and let out a harsh breath she didn’t realize she was holding in. She looked back at the clock as it switched to 3:17 am and felt her shoulders slump. It was going to be a long night, they always were.

She pushed off from her bed and let her feet hit the cold hard wooden floor which sent a shiver up her spine. She tightly wrapped her arms around herself and let her now shoulder length, chocolate colored hair swipe into her face. She could already feel the dark bags that would soon be dragging down her eyes the following day and the aches and pains that came with a sleepless night.

“I think you should see a therapist,” Lucas had told her one day, “It will help, with the dreams.”

His voice rang in her head and she felt her throat go dry.

_water._

She had reached her door way and slowly peered out into the dark silent hallways of her apartment. Sometimes the quiet of her apartment made her sick to her stomach and made her wonder if he’d come home then. That He’d walk through her front door and envelope her in a hug or grab a hold of her hand.

She started down the dark hallway.

\--------

“You work too hard,” she used to tell him during cafeteria lunches and passing periods.

Of course he’d respond with a smile

“Don’t worry El, I'm just taking a few extra classes. That way I can have more time off when i’m a senior. Maybe I can get a part time job, and spend more time with you.”

But she never believed him, she’d find him passed out on the basement couch or at the kitchen table. He’d forget to eat, and sleep, even Karen had concerns. She hated it.

He worked too hard.

“Yeah, also if we don’t pass these classes, we won’t even have a chance at graduating early,” Lucas spoke from behind a text book

“What he said,” Dustin said in between mouthfuls of cafeteria mash potatoes

Will gave her a sympathetic smile and nudged her arm.

“El?” Mike's voice rang in her mind, and she was brought back to the dark hallway of her home.

\-----

She felt her feet drag against the cool wood of her home, still aching from the previous day’s endeavors. She peered into the passing rooms, the laundry room on the right filled with unfinished clothes, bathroom on the left, the office on the right with a desk stacked with paperwork untouched, and had stopped at the threshold that opened to the living room and kitchen. She looked over at the dark couch that sat stiffly, and unused in the middle of the room and her eyes focused on that blue jacket that had been left behind and she felt her throat burn.

\--------

“Are you cold?” Mike asked

It was an unusually cold night in the spring time, mike had finally convinced her to come out into the brisk night air with him so they could go star gazing, a recent and new activity they did together, especially when mike felt overwhelmed.

 

They’d lay under the night sky for hours, watching the different stars shine and trace patterns into the sky with their fingers. Mike would usually talk about school and any new jokes that dustin may have whipped out that particular day, and she would just listen. Offering a giggle or nudge every so often, but she listened. To the sound of his voice, to the way he breathed and laughed, and occasionally she would accidentally fall asleep.

“No.” El replied trying to contain the chattering of her teeth.

“You are too! Here take my jacket.” He was wearing the blue one that day, the one she wore all those years ago, the one that made her feel safe.

He slid the jacket from his shoulders over hers and tightly packed it around her.

“There. Better?”

El sunk into the familiar blue cloth and let the warmness thaw her freezing skin. She always wondered how something so simple could make her feel safe, like all the bad men and monsters in the world could never get to her, as long as she was wearing this simple jacket. As long as she was with mike.

“Mouthbreather” she shot at him before tilting her head onto his shoulder and closing her eyes.

Mike just let out a laugh before turning his flushed face back to the sky. After a few beats of silence, Mike thought El had fallen asleep, and he didn't blame her, it was getting pretty late, and the bags under his own eyes began to weigh down on him.

 

But he continued his gaze towards the twinkling lights above them, and felt the warmness of the girl beside him as he gently squeezed Els hand.

“Mike?”

“Yeah El?”

“What are they?”

 

Mikes brow furrowed “ Stars?”

He felt her slowly nod.

“Um, Well, They are balls of gas usually made of hydrogen and helium, held together by grav-”

“You remind me of one.”

Mike raised a brow at the girl beside him and let out a tired laugh

“What?”

“Warm.”

Mike felt his already red cheeks heat up and he was thankful for the darkness that enveloped them and he squeezed her hand tighter.

“Bright. Safe.”

 

\----------

The only thing that brought her back to the piercing darkness of her own home were the tears that were burning at her eyes. She should stop wearing that jacket, just throw it out, give it away. Maybe Nancy would want it, Maybe Holly.

El felt a chill run up her spine as she tried to blink away the tears, her mouth now drier than before.

_Water._

She turned her attention to the left towards the kitchen, and felt her sluggish feet slide against the floor. She just needed water, then she could try to sleep again.

She entered the kitchen, the shadows of the outside trees danced on her face as they reflected through the windows. She stared up at the night sky above hoping for some sort of comfort but it stared back, offering anything but warmth.

She walked slowly over to the cupboard, her sleeplessness starting to weigh on her back like a weight. Tugging and pulling down on her bones, her muscles, her skin. Her lips felt cracked, her dry mouth and burning throat ached for relief.

_Just water, then sleep._

She grabbed a glass from the bottom shelf and held it tightly in her hands. Shifting her way towards the fridge, she opened it slowly, wincing with the aching pains in her wrist. The fridge light digging its way into her eyes and blinding her sight like that pair of headlights.

\-------------------------

 

“I can’t believe my mom forgot plates” a dripping wet Mike groaned as he sunk back into the driver's seat car and slammed the car door behind him.

El let a smile grow on her mouth as she tried to contain a laugh.

“Don't laugh at my suffering El!” He laughed out “I mean it! How do you throw a party but forget plates?”

It was that odd time of day between evening and dusk, where the bright colors of the day were slowly fading into the dark greens and blues of night and the stars in the sky flickered on like candles in the dark. It was the beginning of the summer of 1986, and a surprisingly rainy one. Mike had no obligations except for a part time job at the local comic book store which meant endless time spent together. They had just finished watching Star Wars for what was probably the 100th time at the Wheelers, when guests started showing up and the next thing she found herself doing was staring out the passenger car window of mike's car, watching raindrops dance down the glass, occasionally being blinded by the headlights of passing cars.

“Mistake.” El giggled back with a shrug as Mike shook his head and started the car.

The store wasn't too far from the Wheelers household, but ever since Mike had gotten his license Karen always used him as back up to go get things she had forgotten or drop holly off at school. El who never left mike's side was always right there in the passenger side seat. She didn't mind really, she actually enjoyed car rides, especially the ones with Holly, who would braid her hair or ask questions about her new favorite songs. But because it was a rainy night and because they were missing quality time with their friends locked up in the Wheeler basement, she couldn't agree more with Mike.

They had reached a stop light at red.

“Mistake or not, you have to promise you’ll never betray me like this.”

El laughed but then tapped her chin with her finger

“Well come to think of it, i do want some eggos.”

“El!”

And with that both of them erupted into laughter

The stoplight turned green and then everything became slow as if someone was slowly fast forwarding a vhs to the perfect moment.

Mikes laugh reverberated off the windows of the car, his freckles danced on his cheeks. The stars above them seemed to shine the brightest,

She moved her attention, still laughing, to the blinding lights in the window behind mike. But her laugh slowly faded into a frown and then into dread.

_To close._

“Mike!”

And then everything shattered.

\------------

She wasn't sure how she ended up on the kitchen floor, her back against the kitchen sink counter, surrounded by glass, her hands wet with blood and lined with small cuts.

But the tears that were threatening her before were now full force, biting at her cheeks, burning them slowly as they rolled down.

 

But she felt something heavy roll down her lip, and she tasted the bitterness of blood.

\---------------------------

 

Her ears were ringing, and the taste of blood filled her mouth. Her body hurt, something was biting her leg and pulling at her arm and she felt the softness of rainwater on her face. She opened her eyes slowly, her vision blurred a bit at first, she felt dizzy and there was an ache that followed as her eyes focused.

She wasn't sure how long she was unconscious for.

She tried lifting her left arm but it hurt and was slow to respond. She tried to take in her surroundings, a smashed window, dented metal.

_Mike._

She turned her head slowly,

He was there to her left, still and rigid, his body twisted away from her,

“Mike.”

She tried to get out, her voice filled with pain and tears.

She didn't get an answer.

“Mike.”

She tried again, louder this time.

She reached over with her sluggish arm and winced in pain before shaking his side. The boy beside her let out a low groan.

“Mike, are you okay?” She tried.

 

“Yeah, i just need to rest.” He replied quiet and slowly.

El frowned and brought her hand back and inhaled a sharp breath at the wetness of her hand that was covered in the darkness of red.

“Mike.” She whispered. But his rigid body unraveled itself, and she watched as he fell back on her lap.

And nothing else mattered, not the even growing pain in her leg or the tug in her arm, or the ache in her head and neck. Everything was gone and effortlessly moved aside and the already flowing blood from her nose now dripped faster down her lip and the bitterness filled her mouth as she concentrated on the boy beside her to ease whatever he felt. She swallowed, clamped her free hand over her left shoulder to ease the tugging and gently brushed Mikes wet hair out of his face. She grabbed a hold of his hand and squeezed.

He blinked slowly up at her, his eyes lost in hers.

“Pretty” He whispered.

She heard sirens.

Help was coming.

 

“It’s okay Mike. hear the sirens?” She paused, tears already rolled down her cheeks.

“We’ll be okay.” she sniffled out

Mike let out a small scoff and smiled up at the wonderful girl above him, as they were both brought back to that one week those years ago. The week when he met the girl in the rain, below the stars. The week when she met the boy with the freckles and the brightest smile. The week where Will Byers went missing, A week filled with police sirens, long nights, and promises.

 

There was a beat of silence between them.

 

“Promise?”

Her body gave in and the tears fell.

And they fell.

And they fell.

_“Promise, it means something you can’t break. Ever.”_

She let out a silent sob and tried a smile. Her voice was thick with held back tears.

“Promise.”

The rain had eased to a slow drizzle, and the sirens got closer.

And suddenly the stars above, stopped shining.

 

\-----------------------------

Her hands were over her ears, blending blood with chocolate hair and she was screaming. At least trying to.

But all that came out was quiet sobs and cracks from a dry burning throat.

 

She can’t remember how long she sat with rain water pooling on her skin, gently brushing Mikes hair until his breathing stopped and his eyes closed. She can’t remember how long she sat with tears in her eyes, blood still running down her lips until it slowed with the cold boy before her.

When those sirens eventually did arrive, a fearful Hopper arrived to a cold girl with a frozen boy in her arms. And he felt that same pain he did at that quarry.

She doesn't remember much after those stars stopped shining that night, after that boy with the brightest smile didn't smile again. Time stopped, the stars stopped, and life moved on as a blur.

She can’t remember the last time she didn't blame herself for what happened that night.

_I Should’ve done something._

She can’t remember when she stopped crying on that kitchen floor in the dark. Her eyes and hands pulsing with pain, she felt her body give out and slowly laid on the cool tile below her.

_“We can go to the snowball.”_

She shifted her gaze, outside to the night sky, her eyes tired and painful.

“Promise” She let out a hoarse whisper.

And just for a second she swore she saw the stars flicker again.

 


End file.
